ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
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I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
fourth time’s the charm
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying