[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
ok like just. call me at this point
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”