ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
new career option?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)