Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.