i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
You Might Also Like
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.