Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Body by sandwich.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes