I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.