Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Finally!
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.