This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
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2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
got so much cardio in today
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.