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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“I FIXED IT!”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”