INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.