“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Meow
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.