I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*