The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Good Morning.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
at ease…shoulder.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.