Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS