Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
my proudest tweet
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.