I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Spider-cat: No One Home
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.