HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
You Might Also Like
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.