Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs