5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
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temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.