“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
i meant to share this earlier
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”