I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My god she’s good.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If snakes were wide
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.