I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Note to self: I am a note
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.