HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.