Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.