doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
it must be school picture day
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.