After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
You Might Also Like
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.