If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.