Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Is fake venison called venisn’t
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.