In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“i am a sweet baby”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.