Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Guilty! 🤪
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day