have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
as is their right
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I beg your pardon?
Cannot stop laughing at this
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )