me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
my fav colour is also hitler
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”