My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
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I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
who called it a toilet and not an IP address