Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.