I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
A French press is when you hug naked
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My boss called in sick of me
Thursday
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…