[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
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The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.