Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
You Might Also Like
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?