If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”