[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale