PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.