[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.