Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.