[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
You Might Also Like
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are