At my grandmaโs house and just accidentally let out a โyall stop running in and outโ omg itโs over ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but itโs a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
just saw a tiktok of someone saying theyโre โnever buying garlic againโ after they discovered โthis hackโ and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Two wolves? Cute. Iโve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
These kids act like theyโve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is โgoingโ to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
God: letting you name each otherโs breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: Iโm so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didnโt know we were being serious.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and theyโll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Him: Hey girl, whatโs your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably โMcDonalds, Next Exitโ whatโs yours?
Another interpretation of pavlovโs experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers