Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.