*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious