“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Monday
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries