WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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Me: Same
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.