me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”